| we are only molecules and moments between moments. |
[Dec. 7th, 2009|08:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | csulb | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | bad romance | ] |
i just applied to work in Olympic National Park next summer.
my plan for the next year is that i pretty much have no plan. i love Yosemite, but part of me feels like it's time to move on and explore somewhere new. and another part of me feels like i still have so much to explore there. we shall see. i do however, want my options open.
i've been trying to focus on these last two weeks of school and soaking up as much as i can, but, in all honesty, i'm pretty much over it. it's a good time to be getting out of the cal state system, given all of the budget cuts and layoffs. and it looks like i'll be passing all of my classes and cruising through december to become a Bachelor of the Arts.
this entire semester has been a strange one. i changed completely my circle of friends (minus my work family) and it ended up being so much for the better. things had gotten too emotional and too stagnant with a lot of people. i realized how much i pick up on the moods of those around me. something i began to realize in my health and healing class last semester and put into practice these past few months. it sounds so cliche, but i need to surround myself with happy, positive people. i can't be the therapist. and i don't want to be. let's all grow from each other and with each other.
and now i have to think about the future. a notion that is weird beyond all weirdness. the fucking FUTURE is no longer the future. it's right now. in two weeks i'll be a graduate and my only young-adult responsibility is over with. and then what?? "if you don't do that, you'll just do something else" seems to be the running theme i've gotten from people when i talk about my decisions and choices. i've got a few goals for the next two years. 1. become fluent in spanish. 2. travel south america. 3. see the rest of the great USA. 4. give a big hug to everyone that i haven't seen enough of during these busy college years.
i'm only home briefly for the holidays. dec 24th - dec 26th. but i'll be back around the fourth of january. see you in the future. |
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| it's the way you move me... |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|09:51 pm] |
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panic and anxiety. where the fuck did all of this come from? all of the sudden i'm worried about not having a job next summer. all of the sudden money (or lack thereof) has become a problem. and the worst part is that it's all in my head, and i know that, and i still can't do anything about it. when did time decide to speed up? and where the fuck have the last two weeks gone? i'm in the midst of a minor breakdown. hopefully everything will be better tomorrow. it has to be. because what else could it be? |
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| past and future. |
[Nov. 9th, 2009|04:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
i really wouldn't mind learning how to live in the present. |
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| fly high. |
[Oct. 28th, 2009|04:30 pm] |
how strange to think that i'll be done with school in six weeks (is it really so soon?). that i'll be done with southern california in two months. and that i'm going so many places this next year and the year after and the year after that. it hasn't hit me yet how lucky i am to be living this life. to experience all of this at such a young age, to be so free from the daily rituals that tie us all down and hold us back. today is one of those days that make you believe that anything is possible...
things have been going so well lately. despite the fact that one friendship has dissipated, so many others have sprung up in it's place. it seems that everywhere i look i can only see the beauty. in the warm sunshine, the breeze through the trees, and in the kind eyes of strangers.
today is just one of those days.
my professor asked me, "are you leaving somewhere or are you going somewhere when you graduate?" i'm going somewhere. i've always been going somewhere. it hadn't struck me until just then how different those two mindsets are. but i'll always be going, and hardly ever leaving. |
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| bounce low (bounce low) bounce high (bounce high) |
[Oct. 20th, 2009|04:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | MSTRKRFT | ] |
just when everything is going so well, the novelty of being back wears off and i'm back to the same old routine. and, with it, the same old anxiety and depression and fights between loving and hating my life. the physical exhaustion is always so easy to ignore when i'm emotionally intact. but the combination of the broken two is too much to bear some days. i'm tired. i'm exhausted. and, even worse, i don't know exactly what to do to make it go away.
actually, i take that last bit back, i need to get outside and wander around in the hills and shorelines. it's more of a task of finding the time to do such things.
i'm going to the pet shelter in seal beach on saturday to become a volunteer dog walker and kitty cuddler. i just need to lose myself in something other then my own fucked up state of mind. or at least put off the wallowing for a bit and realize how good i have it.
there are a lot of other things that i need to think about and come to terms with in my life. there are a lot of things that i need to learn to ignore or, at least, deal with better. but i'll give it a try.
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| my mind's distracted |
[Oct. 8th, 2009|05:10 pm] |
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soft and warm, continuing, tapping on my roof and walls, and from the shelter of my mind, through the window of my eyes, i gaze beyond the rain drenched streets, to england, where my heart lies. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2009|02:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | csulb | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
not to be such a girl about this, but i totally look fat. either way, more folsom street fair fun!
i've pretty much checked out of school and long beach in general. mentally, that is, technically i'm still here. everyone i know laughs and shrugs it off when i say that i won't ever be coming back to long beach, but it's the truth. it isn't that i hate it here, or even seriously dislike it...it's more that there are too many other amazing places to go. so, come january, i'll hop in my car and leave this city forever. and i'm okay with that. really, really okay with that.
until then, three cheers for not studying for midterms, not sleeping enough, and having too much fun while i'm at it.
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| it's been a long, long time. |
[Oct. 1st, 2009|10:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | library | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | calm | ] |
the Latin American Students Association are playing movies every thursday night of this month. and tonight was the first half of Che. and it was really, really good. better then i expected. and it made me sad that i'm not already wandering around central america, because it looked so beauutiful. and it made me realize that a middle-of-the-road life isn't the one i'm going to take. that i'll be traveling for quite a while. because there really is too much to see and learn to stay in one town for too long.
folsom street fair was this past weekend.
awwww.... |
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| gonna get myself into it. |
[Sep. 13th, 2009|01:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the rapture | ] |
my life, both current and upcoming, is fucking rad. |
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| rap cat. |
[Sep. 9th, 2009|04:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | library | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
i had a sex dream about a man in red plaid pants.
hottest ugly pants dream ever. |
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| non-stop! |
[Aug. 18th, 2009|09:43 am] |
if anyone wonders why i've been so happy this summer, it's largely due to this...
and, also, this...
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| convict row. |
[Aug. 12th, 2009|04:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  excited | ] |
just got back from a backpacking trip with the brother and his clients.
perpetual confusion concerning genetic lineage.
boulder jumping, flower hunting, meadow walking.
the awkwardness of greeting past lovers in surprising places.
and my silver lame bodysuit just arrived! |
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| summer time, adventure time |
[Jun. 13th, 2009|05:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the dodos | ] |
there seems to be an astounding difference in the person i am today and the person i was last summer. despite the fact that no one else may see it, i can feel it, and thus i know it to be true. looking back on who i was and how i handled the tasks that life threw at me is at once disappointing and bittersweet. i guess the only way to grow up is to get through those times.
this summer has been better then expected. better then i could have imagined. and it's still only the beginning.
i guess the bottom line of the situation is that i needed to evolve as a human being. from where i was to where i am to where i am headed in the future. i am beginning to see my mother in me and also in my sister. and i am beginning to see ouselves in each other, which is even more remarkable. i think that one day, if i ever have a family, i want to have girls and i want them to be close in age. i want them to fight and laugh and love and support each other. i want them to know what it is like to have a person in your life that, despite everything, is in it for the long haul. |
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| it's almost that time. |
[May. 16th, 2009|09:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | library | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | fingers and tongues | ] |
after four years, you'd think i would learn how to write a paper sometime other than right before it's due.
i've been daydreaming my days away. head in the clouds, my heart soaring.
i wonder what new things this summer will bring. |
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| open the floodgates. |
[May. 13th, 2009|03:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | silly | ] |
new tattoo!
i am so, so, so happy with how it turned out!
also note: it's not really crooked, i'm just sitting that way.
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| sleep eludes me. |
[May. 9th, 2009|12:53 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | 10th and cherry | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  wide awake | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | elliott brood - oh, alberta | ] |
i think i have more fun making cards/letters and sending them out then people do recieving them. i sent my mom a card today for mothers day. even better, i spent a good portion of last night making it. and i have, once again, somehow managed to get a second wind right when i want to go to sleep. i have to get up for work in four and a half hours and i'm nothing if not wide awake.
i've got big plans for the next few years and most of them involve the people who read this. i hope you're ready.
can't sleep = book time.
silent spring by rachel carson.
it is already the ninth of may. (!!!) i'll be back in the greater sacramento area before you even know it.
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| my country is the world. |
[May. 6th, 2009|06:08 pm] |
tattoo appointment next week!
my presentationsare done, all i've got left is a book report and one essay. and finals, but whatever. i'm getting better before i ever got fully sick (thank god), and the sun is out and my skin is on fire from my bike ride this morning. oh yeah, and i got a pint of ice cream for giving a pint of blood and it is soooo good.
pretty much, life could not be better.
ps: for those of you considering watching "the secret"...don't. i had to watch it for extra credit and it is possibly the worst documentary EVER made. ever. really, it's bad. |
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| my body |
[May. 4th, 2009|04:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | elliott brood | ] |
my face has aged.
i'm getting smile lines.
sometimes i just look tired.
and sometimes i look old.
other times i look like a lady.
but i am aging,
and how!
it may be all of those cigarettes,
or sleepless nights spent at the bar.
those tests crammed for,
and papers unwritten,
are writing themselves on my face.
but more likely,
it is all of those places i have seen.
and people i have met.
a new freckle for every friend made.
a line by my eye for every new horizon.
my hands are worn,
sometimes my back hurts.
and then i realize how far i've come.
a long ways from home,
with a longer way to go.
these eyes have seen more sunrises then most ever will.
my calloused feet have spent miles bare.
perhaps my hands are not worn,
but only showing how capable they really are.
if eyes are a window into the soul,
how deep do mine really go?
i would rather have smile lines and crinkled skin,
covering me from head to toe,
then to be perfectly preserved,
without a tale to tell. |
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| interpersonal relationships |
[May. 3rd, 2009|08:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  busy | ] |
it's really nice to reconnect with friends and realize how much you've both grown and changed and evolved. three cheers for learning something from another human being. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2009|09:04 pm] |
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i'm getting really sick of this library and thinking about all of the work that i have left to do. it's worth it - i know. but i am going to be one burnt out kitten by the time summer rolls around. |
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